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[02 Aug 2005|05:15am] |
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Auugh. Why the hell must my step mother be up at 5:30 in the moring? It's annoying because...IT JUST IS! I have a stomach bug, so I'm having hell falling asleep. I will probably now be asleep all day because of this, and it's quite annoying. My sister is home, and she'll want me to do stuff, but I'll be either asleep or ill or both. And those people in the Wonka rating community better vote me as Veruca because, well, everyone else is just Veruca posers who probably aren't even spoiled. Ick. I swear, I'm turning into more and more of a brat as the days go on. Self-fullfilling prophecy thanks to Will? Possibly. Or maybe, I really am extremely spoiled, eventhough my father denies it. I don't know.
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[26 Jun 2005|05:47pm] |
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I'll have a fucking baby. Great. Get fatter then I already am, or oddly enough, look better because somehow I gain weight only in my stomach. Great. I could have been a model when I was seventeen, and have been famous by now. But now, I'll just have a fucking baby.
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[07 Jun 2005|07:40pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Every You, Every Me -Placebo |
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Yes, at UNM now. Latin and Philosophy have caused me to awaken early in the morning, walk across the campus, and remain busy all day; yet, they do not phase me. Each night I have trouble sleeping because I am so excited in awaiting the classes the next day. However, lack of sleep has caught-up with me, and I am now too tired to do my Latin homework, yet my mind is too full to fall asleep.
I am so busy, that I forget how lonely I am. I wish that Will was able to be here with me, and I also wish that Professor Steve would stop haunting me. Isn't it funny that a year after something happens, it comes back to you when you were already starting to be able to live without it? I am not still in love with him, but his memories are just..haunting, as I said. I have changed far too much in one simple year. I have become darker, more serious, and more mature thanks to what one professor at a community college did to me without even meaning to. Who knew something that petty could change me so? I guess that the story involving him is the first new myth of Athena in these times. They always were keen on stories such as that.
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[20 May 2005|06:56pm] |
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My mind is full of so many things, and yet of nothing. I don't understand. And as far as everything is concerned...I'm ok. I know this makes no sense, but to me it does.
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[17 May 2005|07:41pm] |
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Bad sore throat. DayQuil made things worse. Must take Sarah out for her birthday, but I don't have an appetite. The last thing I ate was crab soup, and it made me feel ill. Oh yeah, Poetry Slam tomorrow. I need three poems, only have two that are decent.
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[12 May 2005|11:53pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
I love my sister, but at certain times I want to bash her head in. I sit here in misery about the fact that I have no friends here and UNM is being a cock to me and treating me like a number. All I wanted to do was have myself a good RP tonight. Then, as usual, my sister asked for the computer at 5:30 to "do her homework". It's midnight now, and she JUST got off because instead of doing her homework, she was talking to her friends who she gets to see in school tomorrow. Now, nobody is signed on, so I don't get to do the ONE thing I wanted to all day. Bitch.
She has no right to complain. Ever. She's popular, has tons of friends, is in school without all these people giving her a hard time, gets to go to college, and goes to parties. What right does she have to mope and take over, all night, some of the only fun I get?
The same problem goes for Cat, who I have attempted to cut out of my life. She dares to complain about her day at work and what her brother did, when she has sound moral guidence, she thinks herself a saint, and has the perfect conventional life. She should just be happy.
Thank gods for Will, though. He's been my sanity lately.
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[11 May 2005|04:44am] |
The Witch.
What was your job in a past life? (LOTS of results & Anime Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
A:Your Beauty lies
in Innocence. Pure, sweet and child-like. You most
likely look far younger than
you are and your smile would brighten up anyone's
day. Seen as naive and
sheltered, you can be ignorant at times, but for
the most part, it's simply your
reputation preceding you. You are most likely
rather aware of the realities of
life. You are extremely good natured and
trustworthy. By the same token, you are
a bit too trusting. Be careful, few are as honest
and open as you. You might
seem girlish still with a love of dresses, ponies,
and things most might deem
you "too old for". But this doesn't
bother you. You enjoy your youth and are
going to make it last. After all you are only as
old as you feel.
Some Things
That Represent You:
Element:
Light, Wind Animal: Kitten Color:
White, Pink, Pastels Song:
Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney
Expression: Innocent Smile
Gemstone:
Diamond Mythological Creature: Unicorn
Planet:
Moon Hair Color: White Eye Color:
Silver
Quote: "A
stranger is just a friend you haven't met
yet."
Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla
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[09 May 2005|04:12pm] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
] |
So Collin is in the hospital. I am dead worried about him,as well as feeling helpless because I want to be there for him, but I can't.
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| He was always there to help her. She always belonged to someone else. |
[08 May 2005|04:41am] |
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music |
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She Will Be Loved -Maroon 5 |
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What the hell am I doing? I have speant my life looking for a perfect, uncondistional, love and then I'm blind to it when it comes my way? I go on and on about how perfect Collin is, when he just up and leaves, not telling me what's happening, despite the fact he knows I worry. I know he cares about me, but his "love" seems more like an infatuation than something real.
Then Will. He and I talk on the phone for hours on end, have everything in common, aside from social class and ethnicity. Yet, I'm all "Collin this, Collin that". Then I finally said to Will, "Yes. Of course I love you. You and I are perfect together. It's just Collin is...safer.".
Safer. Safer because my family would be proud I married him just because of what he happened to be born into. I'm throwing away the first person who has ever given me such a true love just because he friend is..."safer"? What the hell?
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[02 May 2005|04:45am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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Ok. So, not Europe, New York instead. Daddy was cheap and over-protective. At least it seems Will and Collin can go. That is, of course, if Will is going to speak to me again. He just got upset because he knows I am very fond of Collin and so on. I like Will a lot, too. Love triangles are odd things, especially when you love them both.
New York isn't supposed to be a couple's trip. It's supposed to be about the Revolution as well as just having fun. However, I can't stand either one of them being upset. I know things will be fine when we're there, staying in some sort of youth hostel. I stayed ina hostel when I went to London with my Girl Scout troop in Spring of 2001. It pretty much sucked, but with the boys it will be a lot of fun. Plus, it's cheap.
I need sleep. I have been going on about how I need to sleep since 11 pm. Hmph. Early nights are impossible.
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| Unlimited...my future in unlimited.... |
[22 Apr 2005|04:50am] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
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music |
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Defying Gravity -Wicked |
] |
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap...
It's five in the morning and I have a killer headache. Yet, I am still awake. These past three days have served as some sort of turning point, although I do not know what sparked it. My sister is going to Europe to play soccer this summer. I then realised that I had to go to Europe; namely France and Greece. The thing is, though, if I go this summer, I cannot take the courses at TVI, which means I cannot go to UNM in the Fall. I could just so easily wait to go, but, I can't. I don't know why, but I have to go NOW.
Yet, by going now, I am giving-up my future here. I am not going to do another semester at TVI. In truth, I am not going to retun to New Mexico. I am going to stay right there, most likely in France. I have not told my father a word of it, I have not told my sister, nor anyone aside from Will and Collin. There is actually no doubt in my mind that I am doing this.
I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!
I am just unhappy here. Read my journal from back when I started it. I am working towards nothing, because I find it all dead-end. The education system here is something I can never get back into, thanks to some mistake I made two years ago. There is no art here. America is cold and plastic; as long as I stay here, I could never be happy.
No, I do not know what I am going to do there; how I am going to earn money. Ideally, a job on the Moulin Rouge sounds nice, but it will be hard to get on. Then again, by European stndards, I am a goddess looks-wise, where in America, I am just too bloody European. Besides, it is not like I have any friends here. The only real friends I have all live in different states. No, I will not make friends right away there, but I at least have all the fantastic art and historyy surrounding me.
I should stay here. I should go to TVI in the summer, and then go to UNM in the fall. Then, I attend there for two years, and go off to a grad school. That is the "normal' thing to do. I want to do it, only for the reason that it is safe and would make me seem "normal". Normality is something I have tried to be my entire life, and failed at. Why? Because damn it, I'm not! The only thing that is stopping me from doingthis, is that it goes against everything that makes sense. It breaks all those rules. Rules, rules, rules! I have spent all my life following every damned rule, and look where it has gotten me!
So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!
Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!
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[20 Apr 2005|03:08am] |
FIFTEEN OF YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES:
15. Moulin Rouge
14. Dangerous Beauty
13. Anastasia
12. Blue Lagoon/ Return to the Blue Lagoon
11. Romeo & Juliet
10. Mean Girls
9. Phantom of the Opera
8. Lolita (1998)
7. The Ring
6. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
5. Ten Things I Hate About You
4. Mona Lisa Smile
3. Napoleon Dynamite
2. Saved
1. South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut
FOURTEEN OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS:
14.Bruce Springsteen
13. Jet
12. Good Charlotte
11. Skye Sweetnam
10. The Cruxshadows
9. The Dresden Dolls
8. Eminem
7. Marylin Manson
6. Maroon 5
5. Evanessence
4. The Beatles
3. Green Day
2. Pink
1The Greatful Dead
THIRTEEN PEOPLE YOU’D DO IF YOU COULD:
13. Ewan McGregor
12. Jude Law
11. Brad Pitt
10. Gerard Butler
9. Heath Ledger
8. Jesse McCartney
7. Sean Biggerstaff
6. Ryan Phillippe
5. Usher
4.Orlando Bloom
3. Chad Michael Murray
2. Leonardo DiCaprio
1. Jonny Depp
TWELVE THINGS YOU COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT:
12. AOL RP
11. The few friends I have
10. my family
9. my cat
8. my car
7. sushi
6. Starbucks
5. my iPod
4. a good book
3. something to write in and a pen
2. my cellphone
1. my computer
ELEVEN THINGS THAT WOULD BE IN A CRITERIA FOR A PARADISE OF YOUR OWN:
11. a beach
10. REALLY hot and intelligent guys
9. A nice bar full of 'girly drinks' that are all low-fat.
8. Stores full of really wonderful clothing that fits me, and is marked at a size 4 or below "hey, a girl can dream) xD
7. Money. A lot of money.
6. A huge king-sized bed in the sweetest room EVER
4. A huge bathtub withjet-sprays and all the sopas and other fun stuff I need to go with it.
3.Someone always there to give me a manicue/pedicure, facial, and massage.
2. A kick-ass computer and television
1. My sister to share all of it with.
TEN THINGS YOU WOULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF IF YOU COULD:
10. I'd lose my belly
9. I'd be about four inches taller
8. ...And about twenty pounds lighter
7. I'd wake-up at a'reasonable hour'
6. Be more inetrested in school
5. Excercise more
4. Be less of a commitiphobe
3. Have more friends who lived around here
2. I would live in a dorm or apartment
1. I'd get a job
NINE OF YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING/ACCESSORIES:
9. My black platform shoes from Hot Topic
8. All of my cute sweat pants from Aeropastle
7. My circle skirts
6. My sundresses
5. The black and white "Alice in Wonderland" dress from Hot Topic.
4. Long, flowy, skirts
3. My gold high-heeled sandles
2. My Ravenclaw Scarf
1. Sunglasses! I love how they double as ahair band.
EIGHT THINGS YOU WOULD DO IF YOU FOUND OUT YOU WERE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW:
8. Cry
7. Make sure everyone I love knows I love them
6. Have really good sex
5. Eat, eat, eat!
4. Finish writing my play
3. Let everyone know what I wanted with my funeral
2. Make a recording of my singing
1. Spend time with those I love.
...This one was horrible.
SEVEN OF YOUR FAVORITE SEX TOYS/KINKS/FETISHES/PREFERENCES IN YOUR GENDER OF CHOICE:
7. A body that's in-shape
6. Charisma
5. Intelligence
4. High goals
3. Money
2. Beautiful eyes
1. A great smile
SIX LUXURIES YOU WOULD BRING WITH YOU ON A DESERTED ISLAND (PROVIDED THAT ALL YOUR ESSENTIALS FOR LIVING WERE ALREADY THERE AND AVAILABLE TO YOU):
6. iPod
5. Computer with working AOL
4. A phone
3. Great clothes
2. Stuff for bathing
1. A hot guy so it can be all "Blue Lagoon" style
FIVE OF YOUR FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPHS/PIECES OF MEMORABILIA:
5. My prom photos
4. My yearbooks
3. My flowers
2. My journals
1. Posters from plays I've been in.
FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE MEMORIES:
4. Prom
3. Professor Steve's class
2. Jewish camp
1.Pretty much all of Junior and Senior year
THREE OF YOUR GUILTY PLEASURES:
3. Fancy baths
2. Panda Express Orange Flavoured Chicken
1. Shopping
TWO THINGS YOU WOULD LOVE TO DO:
2. Get my play finished, get it produced, and act in it ^_^
1. Go to Europe, which I am this summer!
ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD ERASE FROM YOUR MEMORY:
1. The 2003 school year x.x
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| Yearbooks.... |
[14 Apr 2005|01:04am] |
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I don't know why I pulled out my Laurelton Hall yearbook to look at. I was popular, happy, annd about 40 lbs lighter x.x Talk about depressing. Now I have no friends, I'm in a community college, and all my dreams I had as a highschooler are just as gone as that time. Way to god, Prom Queen. I wish I was seventeen again.
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| My Hell |
[08 Apr 2005|07:20pm] |
Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle I Limbo Rednecks
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind Creationists
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow General asshats
Circle IV Rolling Weights Osama bin Laden
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled River Styx Saddam Hussein
Circle VI Buried for Eternity River Phlegyas Republicans
Circle VII Burning Sands Bible Thumpers
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement George Bush
Circle IX Frozen in Ice Design your own hell |
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| Let all of Oz agree, I'm wicked through and through..... |
[23 Mar 2005|11:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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annoyed |
] |
Ok, so, I saw Steve again yesterday. I wanted to say, "Hey, Professor Steve, look at the girl you helped destroy, who loves you still. She has lost all her faith in love, but still wishes for you to return. She is sorry that she could not have been warmer, butshe did not know that she loved you until it was too late. Wait, no, you did not destroy her, she destroyed herself by questioning you."
Instead, I just merely froze and said, "Steve! Great to see you!". He and I repeated that about fifty times. We didn't know how to part, so, after another session of "Great to see you again", I scurried off, he turned to me and was all "High-five".
High-five. I really hope that was the result of him being a cute dork. How can it be that once we shared such personal things, and now because of school rules, we have resorted to akward hellos and good-byes?
Unlimited
The damage is unlimited
To everyone I've tried to help
Or tried to love
And, oh, Fiyero, you're the latest
Victim of my greatest achievement
In a long career of distress
Every time I could, I tried making good
And what I made was a mess!
No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished!
One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all good deeds are
Maybe that's the reason why
No good deed goes unpunished
All helpful urges should be circumvented
No good deed goes unpunished
Sure, I meant well -
Well, look at what well-meant did:
All right, enough - so be it
So be it, then:
Let all Oz be agreed
I'm wicked through and through
Since I can not succeed
Fiyero, saving you
I promise no good deed
Will I attempt to do again
Ever again
No good deed
Will I do again!
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[20 Mar 2005|04:35pm] |
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Can't go anywhere because my car is out of gas and I have no money. I wish it was a few months from now...warm again...so I could lull outside by the pool, reading, It's sunny out, so it seems decievingly warm. I just want to go outside. Damn the cold!
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[07 Mar 2005|01:41am] |
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The only person I'm important to is my cat. And she's not a person...she's a cat x.x
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[07 Mar 2005|12:10am] |
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I want to kill myself. I am never going to accomplish anything, I don't have any friends, and every dream I ever have is shattered.
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a_cruel_beauty's journal